first trimester miscarriage, low progesterone, hope after miscarriage, hope after pregnancy loss, healthy baby

I always knew that I wanted children, but when my husband and I decided to start a family I wasn’t 100% on board.  But I was 29, happily married for almost 3 years, had a steady job…it was time!  We started trying in July, and watched the negative pregnancy tests pop up each month, over and over.  I’m a perfectionist by nature and not succeeding at this was really starting to wear on me.  I started to track my cycle, take my temperature, use ovulation strips, but nothing was happening.  Finally in December we decided to stop trying and enjoy the holidays.  I was slightly relieved thinking that I could drink at all of the holiday parties and enjoy myself. 

New Year’s Eve was pretty uneventful.  My husband and I work in the wedding business and he was busy with an event that evening and I sat at home with a glass of wine.  I was SO. TIRED.  I didn’t even make it till midnight.  The next day I realized that my period was a couple of days late and so I decided to take a pregnancy test.  POSITIVE.   What?  We weren’t even trying?  And that is the moment that my feelings went from “It’s okay, I’ll have a baby someday, to OMG I’m going to be a mom.”  Everything changed.  Everything.  Immediately I started doing the math and found out that I would be due on 9/10/11.  How perfect!  I started thinking about what our life was going to look like with a baby, how my husband would look as a dad.  Would it be a boy or a girl?  What are we going to name this baby?  How am I going to decorate the nursery?  Honestly, all of this emotion completely flooded me and took over my life within the first five minutes of knowing.  I was going to be a mom!

A week later, I went to the bathroom and had some spotting.  Panic stricken, I called the doctor’s office and they had me go in for an HCG reading.  I went in and had to wait two days to go back again.  The numbers were decent, they were going up.  I had nothing to worry about.  We went in for an ultrasound at seven weeks and there was a beautiful little heartbeat.  It was 74 beats per minute which I was told was a little low, but may just be because the heart was just getting going.  I was feeling pretty positive standing in the hallway, waiting to check out.  Trey had gone to warm up the car, and as I stood there by myself the doctor walked up and handed me a pamphlet…threatened miscarriage.  WHAT?  They had just finished telling me that everything looked pretty good and we would just wait and see what would happen and now THIS?  I managed to hold it together until I got to the car and handed the pamphlet to Trey.  “Our baby, our baby isn’t going to make it.”  There was nothing that I could do but sit and wait and that is not in my nature, so I went online.  I researched medical journals and found out that a baby with a heartrate of 74 at 7 weeks had about a 10% chance of survival.  I was devastated.  I realized just how much I wanted that little baby and that all of my hopes and dreams of the future were being crushed.  I felt so betrayed by my doctor.  Why weren’t they more honest with me?  Why wouldn’t they tell me that the odds were really not in my favor?  Why wouldn’t they DO SOMETHING? 

I went back in for another ultrasound a week later and it was confirmed.  The baby didn’t make it.  I decided to have a D & C because I needed to move on and knew that that was the best way to do it.  The doctor said that we could try again after one cycle, but I was not ready.  I decided to wait several months.  I did more research.  I asked for them to test my progesterone.  The nurse called and said that it was “a little low.”  No biggie, I would just need to start progesterone suppositories right when I found out that I was pregnant.  More research and I found out how much EASIER it is to get pregnant when on progesterone.  I asked my doctor about it and they said that there was no reason not to start taking it, but I had to wait until after I ovulated.   I got pregnant the first. month.  The day I found out was 9/10/11, the day that I was due with the little baby that I lost. 

I decided to switch doctors when I was 18 weeks along.  My new doctor read through my information.  She got to the progesterone screening and said, “Your progesterone was a one?  I have never seen progesterone that low.”  It made me really mad at my first doctor’s office.  Why wouldn’t they recommend that I take progesterone to GET pregnant and not just stay pregnant?  I was furious.  But it has taught me that you MUST be your own advocate.  You have to do your own research and tell the doctors what you need. 

I went on to have a very easy pregnancy and Baby Kate was born on 5/9/12.  Her little sister Allie was born on 3/5/15.  I had spotting with both pregnancies, which is so scary, but the progesterone worked and kept me pregnant.  I still wonder about that first little baby.  What would he or she be like?  But then I realize that I wouldn’t have had these two perfect little girls, and I realize that this was the path that my life was supposed to take.  It made me realize just how badly I wanted my girls and how much I wanted to be a mom.