recurrent pregnancy loss, multiple losses, hope after pregnancy loss, hope after miscarriage

Hello, we are the Nay’s. Our story begins on December 15th, 2006. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no success. One morning I woke up with a feeling that “today might be the day!” I took a test and with great excitement it came back positive.  We were so excited, felt so blessed and couldn’t wait to shout our good news from the rooftops.

We went out and purchased a crib, painted the nursery and started to plan the theme for the nursery. We told everyone that we knew and they were so excited for us. We wanted nothing more than to be parents and were planning for our future family.

Then, on January 27th, I started to spot. Chet and I had an ultrasound scheduled for January 30th, but I decided that I wanted to go the ER to be sure our little angel was ok. We got to the ER and were taken back to the ultrasound room. The technician was very quiet and then walked out of the room. My husband and I were extremely worried. We had never known anyone to have a miscarriage or to have any complications with a pregnancy. When the technician walked back in, she handed me the phone. It was my doctor. She then proceeded to tell me that something had gone wrong with the pregnancy and our baby no longer had a heartbeat. We were going to miscarry our baby. I was 11 weeks along. She told me she was very sorry and that I needed to call her office the next morning to schedule an appointment. We were crushed. I had no words to say. My husband and I just sat and cried in the ultrasound office.

As I got home I was filled with so many emotions. I was angry, devastated, embarrassed and confused. I was so stupid to tell the world that we were expecting. I kept saying to myself “How am I going to explain what happened? How am I going to tell everyone?” I called off work and emailed the staff of teachers at my school. I didn’t know how else to tell them all without having to retell the story 100 times. I was embarrassed all over again. I didn’t know how I was going to tell my family and friends.

At our doctors appointment I was told I had 2 options. The first was to sit at home and try to miscarry naturally at home. Second was to have a D&C and I could schedule it that day. I decided to try to miscarry on my own. We left for home and for 3 days I sat and waited. Every time I went to the bathroom I expected to see my baby. Every time I felt a cramp, I started to assume that this was the end. I would sit and stare at the nursery door and cry because I thought we would never fill it with a baby. On January 31st, I started to hemorrhage at home and needed to be taken to the ER. I laid on the bed of the ER for what seemed like forever. Having labor pains that I knew would end with heartache. They finally did a D&C. I was discharged on February 1st.  After leaving I felt empty and didn’t know how to face the world. It took me 6 months to open that nursery door again.

It wasn’t until I went back to work that people started talking to me about their story. They had miscarried too. People that had kids and grandkids of their own started to tell me that it was OK and that I didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I had parents of students come up to me and share their stories. I had an aunt that had a miscarriage, a grandmother that had a stillborn daughter and my mom even miscarried before I was born. I started to feel like there was hope and that I was not alone. I now believe that I should not feel embarrassed for announcing our pregnancy. It was something to celebrate. If I had not announced the pregnancy, I may have never gotten the support of so many people, and I know I could not have gotten through it alone. My miscarriage was nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Our baby existed. Our baby was alive and was worth celebrating even if it was only for 11 short weeks.

In 2007, after trying for 8 more months we decided to see a fertility specialist. We discovered the first month with our wonderful Reproductive Endocrinologist that I had blocked tubes due to endometriosis. I had surgery to unblock them. We also discovered we were working with some male factor infertility as well. We tried 3 rounds of IUI’s with a drug called Clomid. The 3rd round gave us a positive pregnancy test. This time around we were terrified. I was afraid to do anything that might result in another miscarriage. I did everything by the book but sadly this pregnancy ended at 6 weeks on October 25, 2007 due to a progesterone imbalance.

We decided we would try again and then move to adoption. We had one more failed IUI and we contacted an adoption agency. In the mean time, we did our final IUI, first and last with injectable drugs and progesterone supplements and on January 27th, 2009, exactly 2 years after we found out we lost our first angel, we conceived our son Ethan. The IUI was a success. He was due October 25th, exactly 1 year after loosing our second angel. Ethan made it. He was a fighter from conception. He is our miracle rainbow baby boy. After my first trimester, and after 4 ultrasounds confirming he was ok, I was able to breathe and enjoy pregnancy. I felt robbed of having that joy of being pregnant, but in the end, he was here. Ethan was born on September 30th. Born at 37 weeks, due to complications with preeclampsia. Ethan was our light after the storm that seemed would never end.

We decided to try again when Ethan was 18 months old. It took us over 3 years to conceive and deliver Ethan so we thought I would take just as long.  3 months later I was pregnant again, with our son Elijah. I was admitted to the hospital on February 1st, 2012. Exactly 5 years after I had my D&C with our first angel.  Elijah was born on February 2, 2012. God’s plan was to have Ethan and Elijah in our lives.

I share with you these dates because I truly believe that my 2 boys here on Earth have 2 amazing little guardian angels above. All 4 of my pregnancies are linked in some way with dates. I cannot explain it in any other way other than this is the way it was meant to be.   Every January 27th and October 25th I light a candle. Those dates are days that will forever be in my heart. I will never forget those babies that we have lost. They are a part of us and have helped make us the parents we are today. One day, when my boys are older, they will hear the story of their guardian angels.

I hope that our story will bring you hope, peace and a feeling that you are not alone. Life after loss is never easy. Everyone grieves in a different way.  Every story is different. Just know that however you are deciding to move forward, move at your own pace and reach out if you need it. Help is just around the corner.  God Bless you and your angel. 

Cassie Nay